Tuesday, 15 February 2011

I don't even think my cat loves me.

So you're single on Valentine's day, but heck, no way are you gonna let anyone know that you've been through ten boxes of Kleenex, sobbing while watching a marathon of doomed love films with Eric Carmen - All By Myself playing in the background on repeat, all while cuddling Mr Snugglypoo, that pink teddy you've had since you were about 6.
No way.

Instead, here's 10 things you might want to try if you're feeling like the ultimate single pringle in the tube of love:

1) Firstly, avoid soppy things at all cost. No depressing love films, novels or songs. As comforting as they may seem believe me, they'll only make things worse. As much as you may believe he empathises with you trust me, George Michael is not on your side.

2) Instead, try listening to empowering songs (or if films are more your thing check out Made In Dagenham). Try Gloria Gaynor - I Will Survive, Cyndi Lauper - Girls Just Want To Have Fun, Pussycat Dolls - I Don't Need A Man or any other boy bashing feminist anthems you can find. Then get your hairbrush or some other household object that vaguely resembles a microphone and go for it. It's not like anyone's gonna see you; after all, you are single. No offence.

3) Can't bear the thought of being alone? Get all the girls round and have a girlie night in (or out!) They're all as single as you and things are always a laugh with pals. Stay in and have a movie marathon, pizza, games, makeovers and gossip or go out for a meal or a club and eat/dance away those Valentine's blues. Hey, you might meet some single guys. Jus sayin.

4) If your friends are all ridiculous and 'in love', go out by yourself and glare at all the foolish couples you see pretending to be having a good time. They so would rather be in your posish. There should be lots and head shaking intense icy eyes occurring. This should ideally all be done wearing a tee-shirt with logos such as 'I hate love', 'love sucks', 'who needs love when you've got cats?' or 'love is for the weak'. Who wants to be a part of this ridiculously over-commercialised day of tomfoolery anyway? Mainstream is downstream.

5) Now this is a personal favourite of mine and perfect for all you pyromaniacs out there. I like to call this The Bonfire of Unrequited Love. Basically, you make a huge bonfire of photos, letters, clothing or anything that reminds you of your ex or crush. Take great pleasure of watching it all burn. Even the shrine you spent months making in the back of your wardrobe. Try not to link everything back to them though, you do want somewhere to live and you don't want to get arrested for burning down that bench in the you used to sit on on Sunday afternoons.

6) Food is your new best friend so eat like nobody's business. Chocolate cake, ice cream, BBQ ribs; whatever you be diggin', you should be eating. When has food ever let you down? NEVER. So go on, raid that fridge like it's your Ex's apartment. Hey, Dee don't judge.

7) Two words: slob. out. Put on tracksuits, wear your hair in a messy bun, don't bother with make-up in fact, don't even bother getting up. Refuse to involve yourself in his ridiculous day for people who constantly need to be reassured of their worthy-ness by some pieces of paper and shrubbery. Make some kind of statement, see how long you can grow your leg hair. That's always good.

8) Fantasize. So Darcy isn't real. Real shmeal. In dreamland you have all the boyfriends you could want (not that you want one.) Imagination has no limits, anything is possible! Yes, even for you. Come on, dating Jude Law in your head is better than facing reality. You could even take this further and write yourself a valentine's card/love letter (a list of all the great things about you, focus on the positive not the negative here they're not the reason you're alone or anything...), buy yourself some chocolates, a teddy and flowers for the house. If you're a real Thespian, make a cardboard cut-out and wine and dine it. Talk to it. Dance with it. If anyone questions you sanity, explain to them calmly that they obviously don't know a catch when they see one.

9) Drink. You know how I said food was your best friend? Alcohol is your other. It will turn you into a fun, feisty thing who knows nothing but a good time. Or an emotional wreck.

10) If worse comes to worse and none of these steps work you can also beg your Ex/crush to love you (again). You've just kissed a cardboard cut-out; the dignity and pride ship has sailed. Pay someone to love you or even just to be your boyfriend for the night. If all fails, go back to Titanic, Kleenex, Eric Carmen and Mr Snugglypoo, buy some cats (at least 3) and prepare for a life of singleness and aloneness. Pray that your cats will love you.


  1. Love. I just want to combine the best of mine, hayfa's and your posts.

  2. what can I say? we are awesome people.